If any one is wondering why I haven’t posted in a few days here is the scoop…I am working to fix myself.

All building up….

Everything has been building up and I’m starting to try and take control…I don’t know how this is going to work…I feel as though everyone will be disappointed if I decide to leave the job I’m at because of how everyone views it as an easy job that I get to sit at a computer and work from home. 

I know I’m afraid to ask for help but starting to feel as though I have to reach out and depression is probably part of that problem and I know I have ADHD. I can’t sit and focus on one thing. I think that is why the military was so good for me…There was always something a little new or different and I felt special….I don’t feel that anymore I also feel like I don’t have control over things like I use to have and that is a weird feeling. 

To be honest I use to think it was everyone else’s fault I feel this way but know now it is me. I am the one that let myself get this way and bottle things up and not convey my feelings…I was brought up to suck it up butter cup and that isn’t working anymore at almost 50 I feel as though I’m starting over both with my physical life and mental and emotional life.

I know I can’t be afraid of help and that is truly what I need. I’m going for the first job interview today I’ve had in probably almost 16 years…something not with the government…I never had to really interview for jobs before and it is scary.  I’m going to talk to them and see what they say…I know I have ADHD and have had it my whole life…I can’t be verbally told to do something…it just goes in one year and out the other…that is why I need to be shown something and have someone sit there and spoon feed me information…I just don’t remember most of it unless I do it a bunch of times.

Recognizing all of these things and admitting them is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do…